When I saw Dan’s predictions, I felt compelled to follow up with a batch of my own. But I knew I had to one-up him somehow, so I went for the old snazzy-synonym-in-the-title trick. Works every time. I’m gonna classify these as “Temerarious (But Not Lunatic).”
I predict that, in 2012…
- Five different dance albums will reach the number-one spot on Billboard, and one of them will hold it for two (or three) weeks.
- The video game industry — and reviewers — will take Naughty Dog’s challenge seriously and begin building a new age of story-based gameplay.
- If there’s a slow news day and no elderly royals are on their deathbeds, Kate Middleton will divorce her husband.
- In the mode of Rocky Balboa and Live Free or Die Hard, we’ll receive word of another manly reload in the making with a title that distracts from the age of the franchise. I’d probably guess Lethal Weapons if it weren’t for this, which may or may not end up with a number in its name.
- Equestrian events at the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London will be delayed to the point of infuriation by rainfall and fog.
- There will be a movement on Twitter and Facebook suggesting that Americans should be allowed to cast their votes for president via Twitter and Facebook. Many will sign the online petitions, but none of those who do will get out of bed on election day.
- Six months in, Ashton Kutcher will reveal that his starring role in Two and a Half Men is all part of an elaborate prank for the premiere of a new season of Punk’d.
- A few progressive American high schools will make available loaner copies of e-books in place of the hard copies for English students with Kindles and Nooks.
- Taylor Swift will not attempt a nationwide summer tour as she focuses on her acting, which will earn her no accolades whatsoever.
- Within Q2 of FY2012, Apple will finally top last October’s stock prices and continue rising as Tim Cook finds the secret notes Steve Jobs left hidden around his office: “Northern European indie music,” “All-black exterior,” etc.
- The minimum latitude at which a person may admit to following NASCAR will jump up to 43 degrees north.
- Lady Gaga will, by sheer concentrated mystique, form a supergroup including Stevie Nicks, Don Henley, Meat Loaf, and Afrika Bambaataa, but still will not produce a single track as compelling as what Ke$ha recorded into her laptop mic while alone in her bedroom with the lights off.
- Simon Cowell will leave The X-Factor before its second season to rejoin American Idol, simply because he can no longer abide Steven Tyler as his replacement.
- “Greece Voted Out of EU” will appear in millions of Google Reader feeds right below The Daily Bunny. One of those things will be forwarded by thousands.
- I’ll be one of about 500 people who notice when Spock’s Beard goes into studio with their new lineup; one of about 5,000 who buys tickets to a brief Gatsbys American Dream tour, hopefully with a stop on the eastern seaboard; and one of about 500,000 who hear about it when Eve 6 releases their fourth album.